There’s always this awkward moment when someone tells me they are pregnant.  I get this sad face and start to apologize, but then I realize that most people view having babies as a good thing.  Then I say a half-hearted congratulations but it’s too late—they already think I am the anti-christ or something.

1. Be anorexic.  If this isn’t possible, then work out excessively so you are at least 30 pounds underweight, and never eat in front of him.  If you must eat in front of him, only choose salads.  Consuming calories is very unladylike.
2. Never get truly drunk in front of him.  You should always be giggling and falling down drunk after one or two fruity girl drinks, even if you can hold your liquor.  Never do shots or drink beer in front of him; this will intimidate him.  If he begs you to take a sip of his beer, act disgusted when you sip it.  If he bribes you to take a shot, whine for at least 30 minutes afterward and be sure to use more chaser than necessary.
3. Don’t say “I love you” during sex.  This is a total dick shrivler.  The girls in porn never say it, and he likes to think he is a porn star.
4. Have trouble lifting things, even things that you really shouldn’t have trouble lifting.  Showing him you are weaker physically and mentally can only double his love.
5. Avoid original thought.  When possible, regurgitate his own opinions back to him.  If you don’t know his opinion, always choose a vague stance so he won’t be too intimidated by your knowledge.
6. Try to avoid showing any type of wit or personality.  Laugh at every thing he says, but never say anything funny back.  Euphemisms and sass only end in heartbreak when he realizes you are smarter than him.
7. On the same note: education only leads to dying alone.  If you are educated, pretend to lack common sense to make up for it.  Put regular dishwashing liquid in the dishwasher or bleach in the colored clothes to show how your time in school sidetracked you from learning the things you are supposed to know.  Better yet, say that you only went to college to “find your soul mate.”
8. Nag and be as clingy as possible.  This may be counter-intuitive, however, men like to complain about their girlfriends to their buddies. If you aren’t annoying enough you will a) leave him with nothing to bitch to his guy friends about which will lead them to making fun of him for being so pussy-whipped, and b) him being afraid his friends will go after his skinny, pretty, agreeable-but-ditzy, perfect girlfriend.
9. Always listen and never have any exciting stories to tell.  Men like to talk about themselves and how cool their inane hobbies make them.  Telling you all about their lock-picking prowess or their amazing kill in Call of Duty makes their tiny penises feel bigger.  If you must talk, talk about a frivolous problem that he can quickly lecture you about how to solve, even though you probably already know the answer; this also helps him feel less impotent.
10. Have no redeeming qualities except for your physical appearance.  All in all, men want something pretty and lean to stick their dicks in.  Someone who is obviously inferior to them but kind of cute in her helplessness.  Someone who will constantly nag them about stupid things and who would be really easy to leave but they don’t leave because they are complacent.  This makes men comfortable committing and staying with you because they feel like they aren’t really committed.  Because if there is one thing scarier than a woman who can read, it is a woman who they actually want to be with who probably doesn’t do any of the things on this list.

heheheheheheheeheheheehehe:

“7-year-old girl using her 24-year-old brother’s 30,000mg Adderall (valued at over $15,000) as bait to ‘get back at him’ for [unknown]” by Tao Lin

you’re all so fickle, i’m allowed to be emo this once

truth: i don’t think anyone will ever love me.
i know i deserve it, self-esteem isn’t the issue—
it’s just that loving yourself isn’t as important as being anorexic
it’s much easier to love a vulnerable self-loather with protruding hipbones
than someone who eats because they have something to live for
someone who doesn’t need you is much harder to need than someone who does
most people don’t love—they co-depend
they validate and are validated
two halves make a whole, allegedly
but that’s really like saying two people with achondroplasia make an average sized person…
no—they are still just two fucking midgets
and you’re still just one fucked up person who happened to find someone just as fucked up as you
i think only about 3 people in this world love healthily
not saying i’m one of them
just an observation…

Yep, that’s about it.

idroolinmysleep:

Life, part 1.

(See part 2 here)

wingspan:

Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss?
I mean pure psychedelic inebriation.
Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis
when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you. Licking the sides and corners of your mouth,
like sealing a thousand fleshy…

dmezee:

My Default Conversational Position

The first rule of lectures is like the first rule of Project Mayhem: you do not ask questions. There is nothing worse than some kiss ass in the first row who thinks they are having a one-on-one debate with the speaker when the rest of us just want the fucking lecture to hurry up and end, not for a triflin’ brown noser to send the lecturer off on a fucking 30 minute tangent. Jesus fucking Christ, get a clue people.

I just want to take an AK-47 and mow down all the Duggars.  And the Sister Wives too.  TLC has far too many conservative Christians on it now.  They’re lucky they have the Cake Boss or they would be dead to me.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.